LaShara Lashawn

Life is in a wired but thrilling space for me right now. I have been reading and following a lesson on prayer called 40 days of prayer by Rick Warren a pastor out of southern California. It has beeen an amazing process but it has been forcing me to deal with things that I just didnt want to deal with and also call me to step up in my faith, my personal life, and with my aspirations.  While going through the process my feelings have been in a complete scramble at times. I have really been thinking about what I want to do and where I aspire to go but there are moments when I have no clue.

Discovering that what I thought I wanted for myself 10 years ago looks a bit different now and I feel like I am on the outside looking in and watching me grow up into a strong woman. Similar to watching a child learn to walk, they fight to stand and they they hesitate to take that first step. Holding onto any and everything, sometimes things that can actually hurt them. As you watch you cheet them on, they stumble and they may fall and cry but you dont rush to their resuce becuase they need to learn. I’m the child that has fallen and tripped and cried and gotten frustrated. I am also the child that smiles with such happiness because I have taken my first of many steps. Quiting my job has crossed my mind so many times, Id much rather be creating or doing something else than being there, I am experiencing low satisfaction currently which happens.  Since I cant really quit I try to find balance between work and my other endevours while also trying to monetize at the same time.

At this present moment I’m tired from a long weekend, feeling a little sick but all I can think about is my goals, my future, my relationship with GOD and ministry oh and a dalmation that I want in the future! I guess I should be resting, I got my tea right next to me cooling off. My life is important, I am loved, I am beutiful, I am funny, I am strong, and I actually beileve it!!!. Through my 40 days of prayer the first thing I discovered was that I needed to trust God more. Truth be told I did’nt trust enough. This lack of trust stem from realtionships where I was let down, always being told to figure it out, be independent and being called weak by people who should have been more suppportive.

I am now closer to 30 than 21 and life feels different to me. I used to just wonder aimlessley through life, I had goals but they were heavily influenced by others and what I thought I should do to appease people. Now I am living for me. I rediscovered my love for writing and art. I see potential in myself to do great things but it’s like where do I start? not to mention my day to day life with work which seems to not be affroding me the ease of being able to pay bills at times. Not being able to do things is a silent tressor but im working on this. I want to date and that’s a task in itself, I don’t really have time becuase any time I’m giving someone else I could be giving to my creative works. Lately I have been able to do some freelance writing (check out N.O.T.S and Art of Hip Hop)  and I was invited to a podcast meet up which was amazing.

I want to go back to school for my masters but geeezz these loans got me by the balls but one thing about us Millineials is that you can’t out school us!! So I will be going back 2020 is the goal. I used to spend a lot of thought time thinking about where will I be next, who is gonna marry me, when will I be able to do what I really want and then it hit me. Trust more. If I am able to move out of state then that is where I will be, who knows where writing will take me.A great man will come into my life, I’m sure. I used to go to therapy and I think it is time to return, having someone to help me sort out different things was extrememly helpful. I am reducing my stress levels and not worrying so much because this shuts down my ability to be creative, its not good for my health at all.

Even though things are feeling a bit scrambled right now I am very confident that every thing will turn around for the better. God has certainly brought me this far for a good reason and I am just gonna trust the process.

-L