LaShara Lashawn

It was kind of tough figuring out how I wanted to write this blog. Sometimes I dont want to expose to much about my current life and personal experiences that may be happening in real time. I mean thats what I have a jounal for right?

I was reading this article about the first BLACK bachelorette and one thing that she said that really resonated with me was that she had to throw out her list, let go and not be affraid to try something new. As a young black woman myself I felt that I was able to connect with her in that sense because we are very commited to our own and not veering to far from whats expected. I am a hard worker, I love working within my community, spending time with my family and I am currently growing my business and Im pretty much FREE to do as I want. One thing I hadnt really made a real decision about was the chapter in my life about my love life. It was okay men and women liked and wanted me but it was never fullfilling, always became stressful, didnt last long, just felt like a waste of time.

It seemed as if I was letting others make the decisions for me, I really had no plan or blueprint, I thought making a list was cringy. I thought I was fine, but I wasnt. I had to actually take some real self assessments and think about my future and then realize what I had in front of me. I didnt have as much time in front of me as I thought. Right then I decided to be more intentional. I couldnt even say that I wanted a man that made of 70,000 a year with a BA degree without choking. I had to have some sort of standard and not just accept something mid then get mad when it didnt meet my expectations. I wanted to feel love, be open to love and even the over all process of dating with intention.

For a long time I didnt feel deserving or worthy of such great experiences, such as a man who made good money, really loved me and who would honor me and want to marry me. I have my own baggage, it’s not children or a crazy vice but its my baggage and it’s something I have to always be mindful of though I am working through it. Despite what I may be carrying I know that I am deserving of love, just as much as any other person. It is tough to not look around at others and think how and why them and not me? I never expected a answer to these questions because everyones situation is different and I am not looking to trade places with anyone, their situation may not be as it appears but jeeez. I think my thought is more like when? when will it be my time to have the wonderful love and then a family? I think it started when I decided I really wanted it becuase my life hasnt been the same since I made up my mind.

This is my time to go for whatever I want. I am the star and the author of my story. I have taken the pen back from my younger self, my parents, friends, western societal standards and my own fears. I am going to enjoy every text, gift, vacation, compliment and dinner. Given to me from myself of gifted, I deserve it. With that I have to also be disciplined enough to know that I cant just accept anything. There are times where I just spend my weekends at home, cleaning, organizing, reading and just spending time with myself.

I want something amazing, it would be better than any fairy tale becuase it would be a developing story where I am the star. I want to make this a great experience for myself with less heartbreak as possible. So far so good, a few characters had to be wrote off and there are some that I have been sad to see leave but its neccessary. Room must be made for the one that will come and be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cant carry dead weight, if it isnt serving me, growing me then it must be cut off.

I want to grow and evolve. I want to fall in love every day with myself, I want to love what I see when I look into the mirror, I want to believe him when he says that I look beautiful, I want to share this story with others. Yes. I want a loving relationship but I am after rebuilding the relationship that I have with myself. Being more brutally honest with myself, giving myself grace, prasing myself and treating myself more kindly. I believe that people can see how you treat you and will model after it. I demand respect therefore respecting myself is so important to me. I want to love me more.

This is a love story about how a woman wanting to find the love of her life and fell in love with herself in the process. With loving myself more there were some things that had to change. I had to stop being scared of really being alone and not giving my time to things and people that really didnt serve me or deserve my time. That ment telling an old hook up to stop calling and texting as I was no longer interested and he was only interested in me after 11pm. Sorry buckO. Taking better care of my health, eating less sugars, getting adequate rest, going for walks, meditating and stretching. Listen as you get older you better keep stretching and be as active as possible. You are more likely to fall, more susceptible to injuries in general.

With being the star of my own love story I have no desire to play the role of an extra or a side. I have been a back up as well as a supporting role watching and lifting up others. No thanks. I adore myself with baths in the mornings with candles all around, soft music and time is on myside. The worry of when or how or who it will be isnt so daunting anymore. I am trusting and my faith is strong. This is a journey and I really want to enjoy it and learn along the way. Reciting affirmations has been so helpful, my walls and mirrors resemble that of Gabriel Unions character Mary Jane from hit show Being Mary Jane. I loved that show, I wanted to be as driven, independent, luxurious, polished and fun loving as her. My good sis had some relatioship ups and downs for sure but I gained a lot of from her character.

It all starts with a choice. I am choosing to be a better woman and really be open to love. My story is just about to get good, I can feel it.