LaShara Lashawn

Trying new positions can be scary, I mean it’s new. It may not feel right or what you may be used to, it may look appealing but like how do you do that? and I mean will you be good at it!? I guess you wont know until you try it. Lately I have been told that I am in the best position ever and honestly at first I agreeded but then things got a little cloudy and I am trying to establish myself to myself and look at this time as the best time of my life becasue despite what I am about to share it really is!! This is the part of the roller coaster I didn’t see coming but I’m gonna ride this thing out!

I am in a new position that isn’t the most comfortable because I was at one point worried about what people would think of me. What’s funny is that really next to know one knows what is even happening with me on a day to day basis. So this means that I have been hiding and stressing about an “society” or “people” that would ultimately have no say in my life choices or even know anything more than what I choose to divuldge. This was absolutely ridiculous of me and it is just crazy for me to get in my own head like this. I was sharing with a few friends recently and I was telling them where I was at in life and how one thing I recently had to stop doing was negative self talk. I have heard so many times about how after years of doing something people have just, up and walk away from it all to dive into something completly different with their life. This isn’t my story exactly but the feeling of needing to make a change weighs heavy on me. It scares me actually, I question myself becuase it is such a gamble. Maybe I think to much.

I am so blessed beyond meassure and for me to talk down and discredit myself is just wrong and a slap in my creator’s face. He has given me so much that has allowed me to even be here in this space alive and typing this out to share right now. Speaking of my creator, we haven’t spoken too much lately but I hear him and I know he hears me indirectly. This is like a real dad and daughter relationship, I’v been upset for reasons I’m not sure about, I don’t wanna pray, I don’t want to sing, I don’t want to listen. I JUST DONT. Yet I know that I need him more than ever, we should be closer. I have learned that He doesn’t see me how I see myself. I’v had to work daily on how I see myself, knowing that if I dont change my perspective that I will make this time harder than what it should be.

Being able to truely embrace this time as it is the first time in life where I don’t have full time employment and a lot of vital benefits that I am used to. This has allowed me to focus on other things that have been pulling at my heart for a long time. In doing so I have found a way to sabatoge such things by getting discouraged. Making evestments and being burned I see this is not the time to try to be in a any serious relationships as I am surely being molded. Molded… hmm I like that word. I know that this time wont last forever, I was told by a wise person once that they never seen a storm that didn’t pass and I have been in a few storms and one thing I learned is that they do always pass however what they leave behind is what’s key. When my sunshine comes I want there to be less collateral damage as possible. Therefore I am now working and taking measures to protect what’s important to me and not push it away. Side note! I am so glad I don’t have children right now because I’m not sure what this would look like, I might of never be blessed with such a time.

Every day I wake up I am greatful, I know that I am great and that God loves me. This position is uncomfortable but I know it will make me better, I am actually excited to see where I will end up becuase it will be an amazing story to share. I have learned that it is not all about me and that I have to be to soul captian of my life. I can not be easily swayed by my feelings and I need to look forward despite what has happened in my past. It is called a past for a reason!! Iv also gained a new appreciation for my new family they have no idea how much they mean to me. I didn’t take them for granted I just never took time to just look at what I had been blessed with. Im sure I will share more on this time becuase it isn’t over just yet as I am being re fashioned and molded for something new and greater.