LaShara Lashawn

I had a conversation with someone recently and Iv been thinking about it ever since. I had shared with my friend that I had just found one of my journals from 2014 and that was a interesting time for me. So much was changing around me as well as within, emotionally and mentally. It was like I had started to step outside of myself and see the bigger picture, I wanted to find peace, I ached for stability and love so bad. It was around this time that I had made one of the biggest decisions of my life. At times I am over come with emotion and just a hint of regret. I mean overall when I look at the grand scale of things I am greatful and I am fully enjoying the benefits of my decisions but then theres like a void at the same time. I had also started therapy, which I plan to get back too. I learned a lot during my sessions.

Lately Iv been thinking of what I want now as I approach another big mile stone birthday. One of my desires is to have another chance at love, move to another state and I hate to say it and I hope I don’t sound crazy but I want a child, not now but soon. Now these are all obtainable however they bring about a fear and anxiety that feels a little different and this brings me to what my friend said. As I’m expressing myself, my friend cuts me off to tell me that he is more affraid of love than he is of dying. Talk about feeling blown away. I was at a loss for words because I also feel the same way. I have gotten it in my mind that I wont meet anyone who actually will want to love me for the rest of my life let alone a few months or that I just wont be good enough. This has been a constant battle that I fight within.

Iv been traumatized and compound that with a lot of negative self talk from the past and now you have a super self conscious, fragile, passive aggressive woman. Persons that were supposed to and claimed they loved me have hurt me, abandon me, lied and the list goes on. Now I am not walking around all day thinking that I’m a terrible person but at times it does get dark around me. I do not want to believe this about myself, I keep telling myself that my future is bright and love is surely for me and all around me. We all have fears but it how we deal with them, I know that the spirit of fear is not of God and that I must fight this off at every chance and not let it over take me. Increase faith not fear.