LaShara Lashawn

I was at a meeting recently and it’s the typical lets all sit and talk. Someone will facilitate while others listen, others act as if they are and then there is that one who is trying to fight their sleep. In common fashion there is an Ice Breaker or in my opinion just a way to stall for time. The Ice Breaker for this meeting is to describe how you are feeling in a phrase, using a few words. Huge eye roll. Not because I didn’t want to do it but because this is the most cliché question.

Me personally, we shouldn’t ask questions that we wont be able to offer any resolution or comfort to. During these Ice Breakers there are the people who try to find the smartest responses as if there is a prize involved which is annoying because I can always spot the bullshitter. Then there is me, anxious with a stomach doing back flips. I don’t want to say something stupid, or something that will make people want to dig deeper because I don’t know where that will go or I don’t want to dig into my rolodex of complex adjectives because it’s not like anyone will care anyway, plus I would probably be lying. The person next to me goes and her description is very clear as it correlates to her body disposition. Its now my turn, my mind is racing to figure out how it is that I actually feel in a few words.

My few seconds to figure it out felt like forever. I finally come up with something at first I thought I’d just lie and say “happy” or something not sounding so down and emo. Bottled Up. After the words slipped out my mouth I knew surely tears or rage would follow but it didn’t. The response I got was a hummm………. A “hmmmmmm” what the heck is that!! No one cared to ask me about my response or wanted to explore my feelings with me further. I know this was just a small exercise to save some time but I wasn’t lying or stretching the truth like some of the others, I really got some emotions going on here! I bet if my breast were out someone would surely say something especially within this group of people. A little disappointment set in but it’s fine. Feeling bottled up.

This is a description that is somewhat new to me. I have heard it before but not used as a mood or feeling. To paint a better picture its like when you are feeling some very extreme feelings on the opposite ends of the spectrum. At any moment I might of burst out with tears if given the right look or hug then want to break glass and scream out of frustration and grief. On the other hand I have this numb feeling where I want to withdraw and be alone yet craving intimacy and person-to-person interaction. Most days I’d much rather be in bed with the covers over my head. For me that’s a bottled up feeling. I noticed that lately I have been talking about things that are really troubling me with just about anyone who will listen.

This is a clear sign that I need to get some things off my chest, that I may have not fully forgiven the persons who have wronged me and that therapy might be my next stop. I pray, I talk to God and he surely gives me answers. I wont stop talking to him. Therapy isn’t me saying I don’t need Him it is me saying that I need some assistance making sense of my traumas and my day to day. At times I feel like I am unraveling. This wouldn’t be my first dance with therapy and counseling. I was in anger management for years as a child. A sistah used to be aggressive. I went in my early twenties for a short while, and I really enjoyed it. Now my fight seems to be with anxiety. I had a public anxiety attack while on a date and I couldn’t remember how to really come out of it, I felt so bad.

I am literally thee person many people fear, a walking time bomb. Some may be looking for the right excuse to blow up while I’m looking for a way to not blow. This is a clear indicator I need to do something because something as small as an icebreaker agitated me. I left early by the way. Also a trigger of not feeling valued or important. This really sucks and I don’t like that I feel this way but it is something that I must conquer. I realize where I am and I now need to move forward with making change within. I want to empty this bottle and let more peace, joy, excitement and love inside not saying that some isn’t there because it is and I believe that is what’s keeping me. Just some advice we should not take what people say lightly and we should always look for signs of depression, suicide, abuse and anything that may seem out of the typical character of our friends and family. Also in the next ice breaker I’ll keep it to a mellow response like “happy.”

If you have some similar struggles or want to share how you over came or even if your still going through the process please share I would love to read about your journey. In the mean time keep ya girl lifted.

LASHARA LASHAWN