LaShara Lashawn

Looking at my nephew sleep is so heart warming. Hearing him take every breath, watching his little belly rise and fall, admiring his smooth skin is God’s work at rest and I love it. He’s one now and he rubs his eyes and will even reach for his binky and put it in his mouth all while he sleeps.

Babies are amazing, so warm and sweet. Now I’m sure your wondering where I’m going with all of this baby talk. Lately I have been having these random conversations about marriage *eye roll* I eye rolled because it’s like the usual topic, marriage children and traveling. It’s not a bad thing but it’s kind of annoying because none of that seems to be around the corner for me.

At any rate it is something I want but to be honest I don’t feel I’m ready for the in fathomable amount of responsibility that being a good parent requires. There was a time when I was seeing someone and he really and still does want children. I had given up on my agenda for myself and I was ready, so I thought to become a parent. I mean I graduated college, I have a decent job, I have aspirations of going for my masters degree but I can do that anytime. I’m not getting any younger.

Things changed between him and I and I had some time to think. The amount of relief I felt knowing that I wasn’t pregnant was the best feeling ever. I was back to my scheduled program. Society and family expectations can make you feel like your shriveling up by the day and your clock is moving faster then an Olympic track team. When it’s my time I’ll be ready, this is what I keep telling myself.

A co worker said to me that next year I’ll be in a serious relationship or engaged and I think that’s a good place to start. I don’t want to move to fast. These thoughts that I’m having are normal, I guess it would be pretty strange if I didn’t have them. Sometimes I want to just have a baby so I can create something that will be better than me as if I’m giving up on myself. This motive isn’t coming from a good place because I really want to be able to give my child the best parents possible. I am determined to give my child a father who is just as awesome as I am if not better. A man that will be great to me and be a great role model for everyone not just his children.

I vow to be the best me and live my life in a way now so when my child hears about me they can be proud. I want them to know how much I loved them before they were even born and how I tried to be a better me for them.

If that means waiting a little longer so I can meet my educational and professional goals and waiting to meet the right man who would be a great husband and father then I’m willing to do that. For them and for myself, because such commitments are forever.

Always,

mother to be.