LaShara Lashawn

Hey you!!!

I really don’t like when people say that to me. I have a complicated name………. so I have been told, so when people say that I would think that they just couldn’t remember my name, couldn’t pronounce it or where to lazy to try. I mean I know I’m me no need for someone else to say it to me, just call me by my name of at least give me a cute nick name. Now let me tell you how a cute 6’1, dark coco skin, loc having thick man can change that perspective. Bottom line, this fine man says it to me and now its not so bad.

So anyway life is pretty good! I really cant complain. I experienced a little heart break and guess what?? I’m happy about it…in retrospect. Nevertheless I am glad it happened. I really love who I am and I’m very excited to know that I’m going to be even more in love with who I am as the days come. The fact that I love to learn is amazing to me right now. That really shows openness, growth, flexibility and more amazingness! ( I dont think that is a word) But when a person is constantly looking for new ways to grow and learn that means that change can happen, the mind is expanding and the lens on the eye is taking on a new and different perspective.

Becoming a woman has been a interesting phase in my life. I used to wonder how would I know. Will I feel something, will it hurt, what day will it happen?? so many weird questions. Some say a girl becomes a woman when she has her first menstrual cycle, the first child, living on her own and turning 21 just to share a few. I’m not going to get into when I knew I had become a woman but lets say I think it was a process of over coming a few stages in life. I wasn’t really confident around other older women I would slip in and out of this young flighty wet behind the ear girl and womanhood. I can say now that things are different. I’m grown as hell now! Whats crazy is that other women will try you just to see how far they can go running over you and talking down to you like you have no experience when really they envy your youth and freeness (another made up word).

Anyway I didn’t log in to talk about that exactly I wanted to just share an update and tell you a little about this guy I met at the lake. That just sound so sweet, “I met this guy at the lake.” Like how often does that happen? The words “The Lake” sound so calm, gentle, relaxing and just chill. It makes me think of cool breezes, sun hats, flowing dress, flowers and tall trees giving shade from the sun that ever so desperately wants to kiss my honey skin. This day was something like that but add some BBQ smoke, Trap music, tricked out cars and lots of black people. Sounds amazing to me! Nah but in the midst of all that I spotted a beautiful smile under a sun hat and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him.

We exchanged numbers and its been pretty cool so far.  I’m really learning about communication and how we all engage differently. Sometimes I don’t always get it right but he is hanging in there with me and I appreciate that. We are just friends and I dunno why its so hard for me to not cross lines! I’m terrible. Other than that there is so much being created and re created in my mind. My focus is focusing on what I want. I may have said this before and I was serious then but I believe that now I really have a true understanding of my capabilities and who I am. At times I wasn’t operating out of my own will but that of someone else. At times I really didn’t know what I wanted, I had an idea of what I should want, what society says I should aspire to and have by a certain age, what my faith says and what my family  would want. I’d feel conflicted and unsure so ultimately Id just do what the minimum was and that’s just to always have a employment and pay rent.

Last year that was almost hard to do. Getting up to serve the public when all you want to do is close the blinds and hide almost cost me everything. A few notices and repeated calls quickly got me together but as a result I did loose my job. Oh but whats so amazing about blessings is that you never know when yours coming and even when you think you may have missed your blessing it can surely come around again and mine surely showed up right on time. The next week I was employed making a couple dollars more. I learned a lot from that time last year, the most important thing I learned was that if you aren’t happy within yourself there is nothing anyone can say or do to save you from yourself. You can literally destroy everything in your path and it wont always be loud and noticeable it can be a quite and deadly demise and then you will look up wondering how did you get in such a position.

I am glad that situation is now behind me. Today is a new day and I’m creating a new way of living for myself. I think that is pretty darn tight if you ask me.